Note:  This was in the middle of huge magickal battle between me and my former order. As I had been the magister they liked to use all their little black magick tricks, then blame them on me. This war lasted for one hundred and one days and my devout catholic Sifu, was in the middle of all of it with no clue what was going on. If he had found out about the Magick he probably would have killed me or at least put me in the hospital. 

It seems, that I viewed the entire situation as a chess board. Each person was a piece and I planned out the battle, day by day. This entry is in the middle of it all. There is a lot of personal information in these pages. I had hid this particular journal in a attic after it was complete. 

Jan. 15, 1999

How long do I have to take the blame for other people’s personal demons? How long do I have to hear how I use to be?

AC is more than a pawn and it is funny what I have become from their mouth’s professions. It is truly cool that I went from a broken man, close to loosing his soul, to the devil they have made me out to be. 

The wilderness, cold and deadly surrounds me. Every creature wishes to take my soul violently. This fight I have to win, this war has got to end. Over and Over I tumble in the dreaded rein of life. A life I have to say goodbye to, a life I have to survive. The demons must be set free to look for another playground. This attachment is killing me. God help me free myself from the bondage?

Step by step the fight continues, I struggle in the grips of altruistic annihilation cast by strange men. Their strange smiles sneer at me. 

Oh and on top of everything else, I am being stood up on a date. Damn it! What is that all about? I really don’t need to be on these things anyway. The whole encounter with the chick was strange anyway. In the end she ended up hanging out with the HA’s. I guess, I will never see her again as they have made it an organizational rule to warn people off of me.

Leave a Reply