Jan. 1999

I am starting to see something very disturbing. Why have I not converted until now? The exorcisms right? So many fucking exorcisms that I have made it through (Click here for some accounts). I am an exorcist, perhaps a unconventional one. But, none the less that is what they call me. I have foreseen my older self wandering down long, dark, lonely halls with my dark, ‘touched’ eyes.

No one can understand what exorcism is like. No one can see how we are touched by evil. I have been afraid to go through it all again. This fear is always with me,. Yet, fight after fight finds me prepared.

I say I lost, but that is not entirely true. The devil was cast out of Victoria –name changed-, all its servants banished. The demons, including the ‘strong man’, left that M girl during my first exorcism, when I was seventeen.  

I have walked out of the fake ones, and exorcised the real ones. I am thirty and my first fight was at seventeen, the second at nineteen, and they just keep coming. I have been afraid, living with this in silence for years. They all called me out and they all lost to me. But, not before wounding me.

I do not want this mantle. Is this the cup for me to drink from? If so, so be it. I am the one they all call exorcist. They bring the body to me, even if I don’t know the person. I remember, that  M girl at L’s door. L asks her who she is looking for. She replies, “The exorcist” and then it named me. The battle started on that front door step, right under L’s hanging cross over his door.

If I was to become Catholic, do I have this to look forward too? 

I will finish the war, I am ready for you 382. I’m ready for all the others as well. I pick up my weapons that I left in that cursed motel room. No more illusions that is why god picked me. I am clever and won’t give in. I am not special, I am dumb.

Don’t listen to those around you  with their attempts to make your past holiness look evil.  I have no concearn for the church. I am just doing this to end the war with my lodge. Kether help me fight ‘old dark eye.’

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