Nov. 1998

Note: I put this in here, because it was part of a pattern. The people mentioned in this letter were very close to the person I was. This pattern was a reoccurring pattern throughout my time in the abyss. I was running from the Italian mob. I had caught their head enforcer in pedo forums trying to get kiddy porn. At the time I was employed by them, doing many things, one of which was running their IT shit. 

As I was a musician my pride and joy was my two half stacks. I had a 1972 50 watt Marshal. As  I lived in a shit hole, with no windows. I kept the heads and cabs in the shop’s warehouse. One of the dick head employees sold it to a local funk guy who refused to return it. The dick who sold it moved the next day so I couldn’t get my hands on him. There was no proof of purchase from me, as I had bought it from a band member years previous.

At this point I had caught on fire, lost my apartment uptown, due to my roommates girlfriend. That bitch sold everything I owned when I was in the hospital. There had been a long string of bullshit and I was one foot near the streets again. 

Another interesting note is that I took the pills and woke up two days later just fine. Another reoccuring pattern back then. It all reminds me of the bible passage, ‘they will pray that rocks fall on their heads and they will not be able to die.’

The abyss is no fucking joke 

Lastly, places and names are obviously replaced with someone and somewhere. Not to protect them, I no longer want to be associated with anything from those times.

Well someone,

The time has come to take off this uniform and leave the show. I am so tired and you proved to me nothing will ever change. I have been stubborn all these years. I’m really an optimist and no one ever knew. I always had it in my silly little heart things would change. They never did. 

Someone is going to be really pissed. But after so many failures, one can only throw in the towel. It’s time to count their losses and move on. This prison binds me and if I return I will not know you nor do I want to.

I am afraid that my one true goal was not accomplished. To save mankind and be proud of my life when I stand in judgement. Maybe it was that sad illusion call Karma or perhaps other people. I was told by my mentor long ago: ‘M, you can’t save the world, they won’t let you.’

Someone always use to say I had been dying since the day I was born. So, now I lay my head to rest after a very long hard road. I am sorry I could not finish out this life with you. I got to jump ship. I realize that this probably means nothing to you. I have left, I am gone, I will be no more. 

You see when I talked to you last I had talked to everyone from home and tested them to see if I was wanted. They failed to give me solace from this darkness and the storm will just rage on. This path is all lies and deceit. I can’t take it, I am a honest mage.

I was hoping that you would live up to your convictions about loving me. You too failed over and over again. Now I have thought it out and realized that I only have one place to go. I have always known that I would die young and really always figured it would be by my own hand on my own terms. I don’t want to be murdered when I am 35 by the mob. I wonder what I will find past the veil.

This is not you it is years of prolonged pain. When was the last time you saw me smile? New Orleans finally did me in stealing my Marshall. I once told someone, that Hollywood was killing me because of all the empty promises. You were one of those. Still, not enough to do me in.

Now, faced with all my weakness, failure, and pathetic ideology I face the great beyond. I am hoping everything will die. I will be nothing. I could never buy any of that god crap anyways. At least the God that man created. LOL I tried obviously, as  I have phd in theology. Didn’t know that did you? No one does. 

If I was one of those people that could live off of myself and not get fired for stupid shit. I wouldn’t be walking down this path. I made a terrible mistake opening up to you.  Look what you did! You can justify it anyway you choose. But. the fact is, I opened up and you fucking leave. This is hours of tiresome months of you begging me to do so. So much for the truth eh? It will be no time before you are back in the saddle again. Don’t worry, that greedy little hole will be filled.

In less than a year, I will be nothing more than a fading phantasm, a shadow in the back of your mind. I realized how strong I was tonight. Every woman that has shared my life including my mother (if you can call her that) has left because they could not deal with me. None of them even looked back. Step by self assured step they walked away as I was left screaming from the isolation of abandonment. I wonder if any ever learned the lesson. Don’t fuck with the heart of a man who has lost everything.

I ever so much wanted you to say, ‘maybe we can figure out a way for us to get to somewhere together.’ Now it is evident that you are done with me. I know there is someone else in that hole. I figured that the reason you wanted me to find someone else was because you we already searching.

Once I put down this pen I am going to take sixty eight sleeping pills. Someone will be at work. I am going to lay down in the bathtub and die. The clothing of man dropped like trash. 


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